


this semi-charmed kind of life

by thelasttimetodance



Category: this is factual sorry
Genre: F/F, F/M, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2018-12-13 10:04:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11757534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelasttimetodance/pseuds/thelasttimetodance
Summary: this is actually a real account of something that happened ahah. No, but this is the first part of a 4 part series that I was encouraged to write when speaking to my girlfriend about how our experiences would make a pretty cool novel. So here it is!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: as this is all based on true events, the people involved are also real. I have respect for every single one of them and I hope they don't mind me including them in this (of course if you have a problem, I can edit it!) Of course, I'm writing this based on memory so I apologise if something isn't quite right but I'm being as accurate as possible. Thank you!

Anxiety. Excitement. Fear. Fuck knows what I was feeling that day; the day that I met her. Maybe even slightly sick? I'd never been good with new people, I barely had the confidence to tell my friends how I was really feeling half the time, let alone embark a conversation with a complete stranger. Yet, there I was. Face to face with two new people I had never met in my entire life. I'd make a mental note to kill Emily for setting this up later. The confident bitch.

They seemed nice enough though as they passed, swapped and shared smiles between each other whilst the conversation flowed smoothly between them. I mostly just listened with Emily standing slightly behind me, joining in with them when she had the chance to. She had previously mentioned that we all had a lot in common. They spent time doing the same things I did and, at the age of 12, that was enough to win me over.

"That's pretty cool!" I tell them, adding a short, nervous laugh on the end. They don't seem impressed. They look almost pitiful actually. Great start. I want the ground to swallow me whole. There goes that one chance of friendship I believed I could achieve momentarily.

I smile awkwardly feeling a wave of relief engulf me as the bell rings signalling that we needed to enter our designated buildings and head to our designated tutor rooms to register and prepare ourselves for 6 hours of hell and torture, including unfathomable maths equations and formulas that we all know will never be needed once we leave. I can't wait to wave goodbye to this place.

"See! That wasn't so hard, was it?" Emily exclaims, clearly proud of herself and nudging me gently as she walks to registration with me. "I told you that they'd be okay!" Yeah. Except now they think I'm a total loser that can barely hold a conversation. But that's okay. They're okay. I'm okay.

But as I made my way up the 4 flights of stairs, the two strangers faces stuck in my mind. The girl on the right, tall with mid-length, dark hair and tanned skin. She was pretty, her face decorated with a small, button-like nose and large chocolate brown eyes. However, the girl on the left was different. More introverted it seemed. Shorter than the other girl, a similar height to me maybe? She had long, light brown hair (a similar shade to my own, but maybe the tiniest bit lighter) held back in a ponytail. Her skin was pale and her eyes were slim and appeared to be grey. She had a narrow nose and underneath large lips that fit her face surprisingly well. She was weird. She was beautiful. Her features were proportioned in a way that highlighted her best ones and made her undeniably captivating. I was intrigued for a reason I couldn't quite pinpoint. I'd keep an eye on her. It wouldn't be hard. She was extremely easy on the eyes.

Right and left. Daisy and Mia. They seemed easy enough names to remember but, hell. They were going to be hard to forget.


	2. Chapter 2

Surprisingly, the next few weeks pass fairly quickly and easily. It turns out Mia and Daisy don't actually hate me, which is always good. First impressions aren't everything evidently; so we went from strangers to acquaintances to perhaps friends? So, I did my duty and introduced them to my own: Kieran - a boy obsessed with bands such as My Chemical Romance and very keen on cursing between almost every other word, Amber - fairly fierce, but she has a kind heart deep down...probably, if you look deep enough, and finally, Katherine - the girl every boy takes a liking to, it's barely surprising. The two already knew Emily, so obviously, there was no point for introductions there. We're happy like that.

It turns out that Mia isn't too hard to pay attention to at all. She just so happens to be in my maths, English and PE class, I had just failed to acknowledge her existence. Until now, that is. I've spent the past days, weeks even, just admiring her and her habits and mannerisms, trying to get her to open up a bit more. She doesn't. However, she becomes a little more talkative (which I personally believe is an achievement.) Kieran joins us in PE and we get stared at as the three of us skip back to the changing rooms linking arms and talking about Linkin Park or occasionally singing 'The Middle' by Jimmy Eat World. I'd say we're just happy-go-lucky people, but we're not, however, after keeping up the facade for so long you start to believe it. Kieran likes to make comparisons with Mia and I to other people. Once to even Ryan Ross and Brendon Urie which is so ridiculous as I'm not that "fabulous" and I don't plan to kneel before Mia reciting a speech, kiss her on the cheek and then burst into 'I Write Sins Not Tragedies', but I accept the comment as a compliment that I'm simply just unworthy of receiving.

Mia and I spend English lessons talking to each other about music and things we don't think or expect anybody else would understand. We even play Where's Wally in the library sometimes with this girl called Carissa whose lovely, but I'm mostly captivated by Mia. She's funny. She uses extravagant words that I don't entirely understand or bother asking her to define in attempt to build up a reputation of some sort, but I don't mind and she doesn't seem to acknowledge it, it's just as well really. She's intelligent and I'll admire that in silence. I'm not trying to impress her, I don't care what she thinks of me. Completely.

Kieran, Daisy, Mia and I begin to walk home together after only a few days. We live in the same direction so we don't need to make any crazy manoeuvres in order to get home. It makes no difference to me. We say goodbye to Kieran with a wave as he enters his house (he lives with his mum on weekdays apart from Thursday- he spends that day and weekends with his dad in a flat just over the road) and we continue walking until we reach a small park placed on the end of his road...and that's where I depart. I give them my number before saying goodbye, now if they want to contact me, they can. If they don't, they don't have to. I won't get my hopes up.

I walk away from them, praying my overwhelming amount of nerves stays intact and doesn't show as I walk away from them. Deep breaths become more necessary as the gap between us grows bigger and bigger with every step. I smile though. I may be stepping away from them but, metaphorically, the distance between us as people is shrinking. I never expected to fabricate any new friendships or relationships, especially not this quickly, but I suppose nothing in life can be expected. And anyway, it's not like I really care.

About 10 minutes after I get home, my phone lights up. A text from an unknown number. I unlock the device and feel my cheeks heat up and my eyes light up as they scan over the words:

"*is hoping this is Jade and I've not just texted some random 50 year old*"

I reply in a heartbeat, the hint of a smile on my lips before I let out a giggle.

"*is laughing because Mia is right*"


	3. Chapter 3

I have to admit, I've befriended two extremely weird people. Like, abnormally weird. I talk to Mia more so than Daisy, not for any particular reason necessarily...other than the fact that roleplaying is now a thing I've gotten involved in with Mia, but Daisy occasionally joins in when she feels like it. In all honesty, it's shitty and fucking weird and involves things that should never come up in conversation or talk about, yet, we're in no rush to stop, the storyline has gone way too far now to just quit and give up. Kieran is appalled, but admits that he'd love to know how Jasper Hedilla and Frank Iero's relationship ends up and I'm inclined to share the same view. It's enjoyable in a fucked up way.

Since becoming so friendly, we have met and become aware of new people at school. One girl in particular that Daisy and Mia know from primary school; she's on Daisy's side of the year, so Kieran and I had never met her before based on us being on a the other side and therefore, the lack of classes we share together too. She's called Olivia. Similarly to Daisy, she has dark hair that's fairly long, tanned skin, brown eyes and for some reason, a tendency to wear hats, but I won't judge her; not for that. If I had the confidence and wasn't overly self conscious, I would take part in that.

I usually meet up with Kieran, Olivia, Daisy and Mia on a Saturday. We have formed our own little group and its sort of sweet to say the least. Olivia, Daisy, Mia and I meet around 1 o'clock in the afternoon at the weekends in the park near Kieran's house as it's the same distance away for all of us...kind of. We then usually walk to Kieran's dad's flat as he can't contact any of us due to his phone being 100% fucked. 

We're about to say goodbye to Kieran one Saturday around 5:30 when he asks the question:

"Oh, by the way, are any of you free on the 25th? It's next weekend...a Saturday," He hands pieces of paper as he says this, all in bold, varies colours with our names displayed on them in big letters. "It's my birthday on the 23rd and I was thinking maybe you guys and Emily could all come round and we could go laser tagging then have a sleepover afterwards."

"I think so." And, "Yeah, probably, I'll check!" Is all that echoes off of us as he looks between us all with a hopeful grin. 

I look down at the invitation. We've known these people for a week...two weeks? Three weeks? A month? God knows how long! Though it feels like barely any time at all, and you're inviting them round? Kieran is insane. He's got to be! He's known Emily and I for 2 years now, well enough to have us round and these people seem great, but how can he build up trust that quickly?!

My mind is driving me wild, trying to process the idea. Though, I still give him a small wave as he sets off and runs up the flight of stairs leading to the top floor where his dad lives. He waves to us out the front-facing window in his dad's bedroom and I smile up at him with disbelief. He's definitely insane, there's no way this could end well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is moving v quickly but it gets better, prOMISE

Sitting in the car on the way back from laser tag was easygoing and somewhat fun. Surprisingly. Car rides aren't exactly the pinnacle of enjoyment after all, but it was nice to sit there jamming along to songs. I look over to see Kieran and Olivia making ridiculous hand movements and actions as the voice on the radio sings the words, "...so dance along to the beat of your heart." Apparently the song's not that new, yet I haven't heard it, but I'll still pretend to know the lyrics just as they do and have no shame in doing so. Trust Olivia to know every line though; she could probably recall every single piece of music ever fabricated by Fall Out Boy as a band, and by each and every member individually. It's almost admirable to be truthfully honest.

We talk once we get back to Kieran's and we decide that we might as well sit in the park nearby.  
"I honestly have no clue what I am...I mean, I've had boyfriends in the past, but I'd date a girl." Announces Daisy. I'm not sure how we ended up talking about this subject and I'm a little weary of it, but I listen with respect and nod my head along with the comment.  
"Yeah, I think I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual." Mia adds, which is then followed by a,  
"me too!" From Kieran.

I consider this for a minute. Could I see myself dating a girl? Maybe. I mean, at the end of the day they're just people, like me. And some girls are drop dead gorgeous. I've never really thought about it properly before, but I could see it happening. Maybe. It doesn't matter either way, no girl would choose me at the end of the day.

Before I know it my mouth opens and I say, "I think I might be bisexual too." I'm not sure whether I mean it. Maybe I'm just bluffing. Maybe I am a flaming homosexual. Fuck knows at this point! I should probably start gathering my thoughts to realise whether I'm saying half of these things to fit in or not...I'll take some time out to do that.

Though, when Mia looks up at me in that moment, there's something hidden behind her eyes. Something glistening. A spark of excitement almost and I feel myself stare at her for my own personal eternity made up of what could only be a couple of seconds for the others. I process my thoughts again. 

I could be bisexual. I definitely could fall in love with a female.

***

The evening continues as follows: putting pyjamas on, getting filmed by Mia whilst singing along to 'Teenagers' as she claims that this, "is what the cool kids do on a Saturday night.", watching Kieran play guitar hero, drawing cat whiskers on our faces with Olivia's eyeliner and finally, deciding on where we'll fall asleep. I'm pretty sure most people find spaces on the floor, but I choose a space on the sofa and I'm content there.

It's not until around 2am and I'm being challenged to eat a slice of bread in under a minute by Olivia when I really start to question what I'm doing. 

I try it though.

Mia shakes me and yells, "get that bread down you, woman!" I nod frantically and submissively. 

I fail. 

So does Olivia. 

Somehow, the bread didn't dry my mouth up enough and for some stupid reason I agree when Kieran suggests we try the cinnamon challenge. I'm ignorant to this, but it looks funny and I've seen Daniel Howell do it. Why not? 

As the spoon enters my mouth, I think of Emily; still in the living room peacefully asleep whilst we've gathered in the kitchen. She may be a lightweight but hell, she made a good choice.

And now I'm coughing and spluttering into the kitchen sink, repeatedly trying to wash cinnamon out of my mouth with water whilst Kieran has rushed off around the corner to the downstairs bathroom to mimic my own actions into a different sink. I regret everything. Mia's arms wrap around me and I'm sure she mumbles something about it being okay whilst I admit to an iPod camera propped up against the wall that that was probably the worst decision I've ever made in my entire life. The sympathy hug may have made it the tiniest bit worthy of the pain experienced though. My heart rate has clearly picked up, whether it's because I'm desperately gasping for air or whether it's because of the arms still wrapped around me, I'm unsure. I doubt she's noticed though, so it's not worth justification.

It's about 4:18am when we've recovered and we decide to all commit ourselves to the Chubby Bunny Challenge. With raw pasta (because marshmallows weren't available.) and I immensely fail at this challenge compared to the others. I got 7 and that wasn't too bad...until you compared it to a number like 13. It only really went downhill when someone accidentally knocked the bag of dry penne off of the counter causing a massive crash between the floor and each individual piece, which in conclusion, summoned Kieran's mother to see what was going on. I think of Emily again. I bet she's still asleep through all of this. Smart girl.

I don't know what time it is when we've all calmed down a bit and Olivia has joined Emily on the floor. Mia and I are sat on the sofa, listening to the voices of Daisy and Kieran bickering in the kitchen about Minecraft. I can't relate. Nor do I wish to, and I'm glad that Mia doesn't seem to be all that bothered by the pixelated blocks on the PC either. 

"I leave them in the packet for my Mum to eat! They're just not nice! However, anything remotely strawberry related or red...yes! They're my favourite! That's where it's at!" I tell her. I couldn't explain how we ended up talking about our favourite flavour sweets but it's a good enough conversation to pass the time.  
"Exactly!" She responds and I laugh in agreement. She's probably the first person to share my views on cola-bottles and blackcurrant flavoured sweets. Score! 

We have a lot more in common than I had initially expected from meeting this girl. I rate her highly. She was the only one that paid attention when I told everyone that the lyrics, "If you're not here when I break in, I'm gonna go to your closet just so I can smell your skin." Were creepy and weird and incomprehensible considering Paramore's older music. I appreciate that. I appreciate her. A lot.

I'm not sure at which point I drift off, but I do. I'm pretty sure I hug Mia before I do though, for quite a long while too. I can't be sure. I'm exhausted. No one had a clue what they signed up for today. I got kissed on the cheek by Kieran. Twice. And that was surprising enough. I sleep well that night.

***

When I wake, Mia is still at the end of my side of the sofa, tucked up in the corner. She didn't agree to sleep there. Yet she stayed. Of course she did, she was tired. It's no big deal. Except it's SUCH a big deal. Why didn't she go to her bed? It's not that far. Everyone else is in their assigned positions in the room...why aren't you? Okay, correction: I'm making it such a big deal. Calm down.

I think my cheeks are too flushed at this point and I decide to swerve my mind away from thoughts that would flatter me too much. Instead, I attempt to focus on a conversation that Kieran has started with the few others that are awake. Although, somehow, my mind always floats back to her. Every time I zone out, which unfortunately, is more frequently than I was hoping for, she's there and she's just...well...her.

I think I could fall for a girl. I think I have and I don't know how or why precisely. 

She is so weird. 

She is so beautiful.

And I think I might love her.


	5. Chapter 5

Love is a strange thing. Such a stupidly strange fucking thing. A drug some might say. An emotional attachment to someone, and when you can literally die from a broken heart, why would you inflict the pain and danger of something that can blind you and make you completely delirious upon yourself? At least, that's what I used to ask myself when witnessing love stories. Until now.

It's become increasingly evident throughout the past few months that love is not under my control; under anyone's in fact. It creeps in without you noticing and once you do, it's too late and you're already flying through free fall. You can't stop it. That's the worst part. So when you look at that special someone, you get nervous, you get butterflies and you wish they'd go away. That they'd stop. They never do. You'll feel the overwhelming sense of joy and pride when you make them smile and when they laugh. I don't know what love is, but I believe what I'm feeling right now is the closest thing I've ever felt to the myth that is true love. It's terrifying, it's dangerous, it's self destructive, yet I'm just fine.

More recently it's only been the three of us: Mia, Daisy and I. They've become the closest people to me and that's something I never really saw happening when thinking back to that one awkward morning encounter. I'm glad though. I'm really glad.

Since the 25th of May, I haven't mentioned my newly developed feelings to anyone. I know that Mia has a crush on someone though, she told me that one evening. However, she refused to let me know who the hell it was and apparently my birthday is the perfect time to let me know. So now I'm on a countdown to a broken heart. My calendar is marked, 'October 5th 2013: the day Jade embarrasses herself even further yet again!' I can't wait. It's a ticking time bomb and when it explodes, I'll be left in the ruins and the rubble, my love and compassion: nothing but shrapnel laying by my feet. I'll do anything to find out before then. Even if that means telling her.

Daisy has made it her task to find out who we both like, so I shouldn't have been as shocked as I was when she told me to walk about 30 metres away whilst she spoke to Mia privately and yelled, "I'm fucking Sherlock!" Way too loudly in a residential area before asking us to switch places.

I let my eyes follow Mia as she moved away to where I was stood just two minutes ago as I sat beside Daisy.  
"So..." she started, "its currently between two people." I laugh and shake my head. Of course it is. I know what she's going to say. I watch Mia as she tries to look busy inspecting what I assume to be a football post.  
"It's either Kieran or Mia." Fuck.  
"Yeah..."  
"Is it Mia?" Double fuck. And just like that I'm defeated. I nod and cover up my shame by acting as if I'm now suddenly fascinated by the grass beneath me. I can feel her smiling at me. Mocking me. She knows how this is going to play out and I'm filled with nothing but dread. Once again, I wish the ground would just swallow me whole and bring me back up about 50 years later when I'm 62 and everybody no longer cares about my sudden disappearance. When I look up again, Mia is there. Daisy starts another conversation whilst I try to converse with myself. 

***

It was July 14th when I made the proposition. It's a Sunday, my Mum and Dad have suggested that we all take Bella (our dog) out for a walk. They walk on ahead whilst I follow with my eyes locked on my phone and my thumbs rapidly tapping replies to Mia.  
"You're going to walk into a tree if you keep that up!" My Mum calls at me.  
"I'd walk into a tree even without the distractions!" I say back and she laughs. 

I look down at my phone again. This is it. I ask her.

"so, I have an idea"

"yeah?"

"instead of waiting until my birthday because I'm impatient, how about I tell you who I have a crush on if you tell me who you have a crush on tomorrow?"

...I stare at the screen and wait.

"okay"

Okay.

***

What I didn't know is that it was going to be so hard to get the information out of her. She had promised me at lunch and I only had a limited amount of time to get her to speak before we'd have to go to PE for period 4. 

I tried whispering to tell her that she needed to tell me and she nodded, but did nothing. I pulled her away from the others. She ran back. "Look, you don't even have to tell me! You can write it down! It's fine!" I tell her. She sighs, grabs a pen and starts writing something down on her arm before we make our way away from the others.

"Ready?" I ask.  
"No!"  
I frown at her.  
"Please?" I try again. "For me?" 

She sighs and slowly she lifts up her blazer sleeve. Now she's just teasing me, but I give her the time she needs and let my eyes flicker between her and her arm. 

I.

She's looking at the floor.

Like.

She looks slightly pained.

U.

She- wait. What?

My eyes scan over the 3 words rereading them again and again. Mia's blushing. I'm confused, desperately trying to process the words in front of me. Okay. She...okay.

"...I like you too."

And then I throw my arms around her and hold her tightly. We stay there for a while. Two girls. Embracing each other in the middle of the school courtyard. Grounded by each other why groups of people drift past us busily. We're just friends, yet so much more. I love her. She loves me. It's pure. It's precious. It's perfect. 

It may even be love.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is shiiiiite (I’ve been unmotivated lately) but I promise you this was more pure irl and was a good™ time

Since the confession not much has happened relationship wise with us. Mia and I aren't together. We're friends. Close friends and I'm content with that for now. I don't know what we're waiting for to be perfectly honest, but I assume it's best like this, just in case something does go wrong in the long run. 

During the summer holidays we spent almost every day together (along with Daisy and Olivia and occasionally Kieran.) Waking up at 11 and meeting them at 1 is a simple routine with I’m thankful to have gotten into. I spend the remainder of the morning listening to music and messaging them on a group chat to see whose available and who isn’t. 

All good things come to an end eventually though, so when we return to the buildings, the halls and the classes, we’re now in year 8 and everything seems more serious for no particular reason.

Turns out falling for someone of the same sex at the age of 12 isn't considered 'normal'. I didn't consider myself normal though, so I don't really know what I was expecting when people started to take notes and realise how close Mia and I were getting. It's none of their business though. I can do as I please. Kind of. I’m not exactly the representative of the pinochle of freedom but it’s nice to pretend. We brush off any weird comments from outsiders though, repeating the phrase, “we’re just friends.” As if it’s a motto in which we live by.

I had been obsessing over a band for a little while now; about 2 years to be exact, so when they released tickets to see them live, I jumped at the chance. So did Mia. Apparently. The same night. We found this out only a week beforehand so it was a surprise to say the least. Of course, neither of us are 14, so standing wasn’t an option, but even just standing on the upper tiered seating of the O2, was enough of an experience.

I get the day off that day and praise my mother greatly for accepting it. So when Friday the 27th of September comes around and I’m about to see Paramore live and I’m travelling to London with my favourite person and I get to spend plenty of time with her, I’m simply overjoyed!

My mother parks outside Mia’s house as I knock and her mother opens the door, greets me and steps over to the car to start a conversation with my Mum. I’m fairly certain she thanks her for driving them into London, but my Mum brushes it off with the dismissal of her hand ensuring her that it’s “no trouble at all!” And once I’ve greeted Mia with a quick hug, we’re on our way.

The drive seems to take less time than it should, but time flies when you’re having fun. I attempt to listen in to our mother’s conversations in a desperate attempt to hope that they get on well. Occasionally, I’ll be pleased with their conversation and I’ll smile to myself. Mia finds enjoyment out of looking out of the window at passerby’s appearances, noting whether they seem like a “fag” or not, coming up with slogans as she does and Ic just laugh at her and her senseless logic.

The concert seems to fly past, opening with, “Grow Up” which gets the entire crowd cheering. I make sure to remember to create a playlist of every song they played in order to relive the memory all over again. We meet up with the others afterwards. It’s cold outside, but we stop when I spot the merchandise and my Mum can tell from the look of want in my eye that this is something she needs to provide me with. I grab 2 posters on the way out. Mia grabs one. 

The drive home is quieter and more serene than the one on the way here. I’m tired. I assume everyone else is too. Despite being exhausted, I’m aware of Mia’s presence when I feel her hand slowly move across the middle seat to meet mine and our fingers interlock - a silent reminder that she loves me. A silent promise that she always will. I smile down at our hands as I watch the orange tint of the streetlights dance across our hands swiftly. 

I don’t know what time it is in which we part, but I know that I had been hugging her for the majority of that journey in the darkness of the backseat. I think she tells me she loves me before she leaves. I think I tell her that I love her too.


	7. Chapter 7

It's the 25th of January; Mia's birthday. She invited a few of us over for the evening to share some time with her and after a drastic panic over what to wear, I simply settled for some white and navy striped jeans with a red crop top. I'm not keen, but I consider how I look before I leave...perhaps I could work the sailor vibe. I don't look awful. 

When I arrive, everyone is already there and they welcome me with open arms and we head to her room.

The rest of the evening is filled with pizza, a giant cookie and nothing in particular. She shows us this film before we leave called, ‘Heathers’ No one seems to take an interest. Well...at least I don’t. 

The thing is what I’ve noticed about her recently is that nothing else matters when you’re with her. She’s captivated on her own. She’ll send you into a million daydreams at once, all about her and then you’re spiralling, stuck in a paradox consisting of thoughts about her. Her lips, her hands, her voice, her eyes, her laugh, her everything. Her.

I want to kiss her.

I won’t.

That would be completely unnecessary and who the hell does that when her best friend and your best friend are in the same room?! That’s insane!! 

Instead, I keep my eyes fixed on the small screen of the aged tv. Still no interest in anything but her. She’s on my left, spilling sentences about how much of a classic this film is and how good it is. I’m inclined to disagree, I don’t say that though. I know better than that.

When I eventually leave, it’s dark outside. I find myself still stuck in that paradox. It’s small. For now. I’m under the impression it’ll fade away eventually. It’s just the initial butterflies; the potential we have together. Deep down though, I’m indubitably wrong.


	8. Chapter 8

I’m late. I’m really fucking late. That’s why I’m hopping around my parents room complaining to my mum as she attempts to straighten the back of my hair for me. It’s usually at this point, I claim that I “feel funny” and almost pass out from the heat and standing up so long. I have too much hair and I’m aware that it’s a mistake to wash it and dry it and straighten it all before I’m meant to be going out, after all, it won’t stay straight. As soon as I step out of the door, it’ll take its original form as a tumbleweed anyway. 

However, today was different. Today was the day I wore a new top. Today was the first day Mia would see me with dyed, dark red hair. Today was the day I was going to see The Fault In Our Stars at the cinema. Today was the day that I was running incredibly late as she was waiting outside the building. And I had claimed it was a date. Our first date.

Of course - I had only meant this jokingly. Probably. Maybe not. Either way, this was not the impression I wanted to give off: “hey, my name is Jade and I stand people up on first dates because I clearly care too much about my appearance and want to keep you interested in me.” 

It was at this point I complain to my mother so much that she gets annoyed and my dad ends up driving me into town.

I managed to arrive and jump out of the car before the film had started and she was still waiting outside for me. I thank my dad for being so easygoing and convenient before I apologise to Mia quickly, blaming the late arrival on my parents, rather than my lack of self confidence. She seems to understand, so we grab our tickets from the machine by the door and head to Screen 1. 

At the door, the employee puts a small tear in both of our tickets to let people know that we’re considered old enough to watch a teen movie and as we continue to make our way to the big screen, I delicately fold the ticket and place it in my pocket, deciding that I want it to remain intact.

Once we’ve found what is known as, ‘Row E’ everything sort of becomes slightly less chaotic. Only the trailers have started so we haven’t really missed anything too crucial. Even if we had, we had both read the book so I doubt it would be too much of an issue anyway! Then the room got darker and the screen expanded slightly, signalling everyone to shut up and pay attention. They do.

Mia and I watch the film in complete silence, our fingers intertwined, our eyes locked onto the screen. Captivated by the visual representation of such a heartwarming, heartbreaking story. Honestly, fuck John Green.

We sat like that until the screen went black, the credits began to roll and ‘All of the Stars’ by Ed Sheeran began to play through the surround-sound system and as the lights came up, I shot a glance over at Mia. She was still staring at the screen, but as soon as she noticed I was looking, she gave me a small smile.

“Look, don’t start crying because you just know, that that’ll set me off.” I tell her quietly.

She let out a broken laugh and my eyes began to tear up. My arms reach around her and I bury my head in the nook between her neck and her shoulder, just before I feel a warm tear roll down my cheek. I couldn’t tell if Mia was definitely crying, but I could tell you that people left the cinema that day emotionally scarred and impacted. 

After a little minute, I pull away from her, saying in a small voice, “We should probably get out of here...” 

So we do.

We stand by the corner of the road watching as crowds of people flee from the building with eyes streaming and tissues held to their faces. They were definitely watching the same film as us. Maybe they hadn’t read the book...that’s a weird proposition to consider, I mean, I’m in the works of forcing my Mum to read it. 

Anyway, my dad arrives in a short while, picks us up so we can drop Mia off and then I could go home and see how the atmosphere between myself and my mother was. Probably fine actually.   
I tell my dad all about the film and he tries to make terrible jokes out of it. I just roll my eyes at them, you had to give him the benefit of the doubt, it was his job as a Dad after all! We follow the familiar route to drop Mia off, arriving outside her house in no longer than 10 minutes. I hug her goodbye and she hugs me back - an unfortunate departure we both knew all too well - and I get back into the car. 

When I get home, I race upstairs and pull out a pen and a book I had gotten just a little while before and in it I write:

22nd June

Today I went to the cinema with Mia to watch The Fault In Our Stars (TFIOS). It was SO good!!!!! Everyone in the cinema ended up crying, it was as good as The Knife That Killed Me (which also made me cry...) I have no idea what my favourite film is now; I’m definitely getting TFIOS on DVD though because wow. ;-;

With that, I reach into my pocket and find the small folded ticket. I glue one side and stick it into the book, just under the writing. I don’t want to forget today and now I have no reason to.


	9. Chapter 9

The thing about Mia and I is that we have never been secretive about our feelings. Any platonic behaviour that was once a major characteristic of our friendship was lost as soon as July 15th 2013 passed. No one was surprised was surprised by the events of June 16th 2014 because of this.

I lay there on the 15th of June, scrolling through Instagram, smiling at some stupid posts that nobody in particular has posted. I knew nobody on this account. Nobody knew me. Other than Mia. I knew it was her just as well as she knew that it was me. 

Being 13 and a little depressed, its a good idea to keep a tab on your mental health; letting everyone know how much self hate you are capable of having through the means of black and white images that speak of how nobody understands, cares or loves you for who you are. It’ll never get better. Everybody knows that. 

I receive a notification on that account (my ‘private’ account) from her. We’ve started a conversation in the comments of one of her more recent posts and we’ve been continuing for about 20 minutes now. Every sentence full of simple words of adoration and I smile as my eyes skim over them. That’s when an idea crosses my mind. A bad idea, yet the best idea I’ve ever conjured up. The next words I type slowly.

“What if tomorrow we get together properly? Like, I ask you out properly?”

I decide I shouldn’t have asked. That’s not smooth at all. That’s not cool. You’re meant to surprise people with these things, not ask for their permission! Hey, may I have your blessing so I’m able to date you? I guess that’s consent actually, therefore it’s not so weird. It seems so weird though. God...why do I do this to myself? And then another notification.

“YES.”

Okay. Cool.

I slept well that night.

***

Everyone is at the bench at lunch, including new arrivals. One in particular I feel slightly threatened by, though, they never remember my name...maybe that’s proof that I’m nothing compared to them. I try to avoid thinking of it though. Everyone calls them Jamie or JJ...I call them Jamie though, we’re not close enough for nicknames and therefore I don’t use them. I attempt to use they/them pronouns though, they could probably knock me out in a heartbeat and they seem as though using female pronouns would offend them greatly.

I pull Mia over and suddenly it’s like a replay of last year. Everything and everyone outside of us is irrelevant. She’s all that matters. 

I let out a nervous laugh before I ask her. This is undeniably stupid.

“So...erm, will you go out with me?”

She lets out a melodramatic gasp.

“Yes!” She responds.

And just like July, we hug. Mia and I. My girlfriend and I. Together.

When we join the others at the bench, we both sit down next to Daisy and Mia sits on me. We receive a quizzical look from the other girl. 

“Should I tell her?” I ask Mia and she smiles and nods as I wrap my arms around her waist a little tighter.

“So,” I whisper to Daisy. “Jia is real.”

Daisy freaks out and almost falls off the bench. She’s smiling crazily whilst gripping on the wooden furniture. 

“Really?!” She exclaims and Mia and I nod in unison and watch as her smile widens.

That’s when Jamie looks over at us. 

“What’s this?” They ask from the floor.

Daisy looks over at us, “Can I please tell her?” 

I shrug. It makes no difference to me and although they scare me, they seem nice enough. So, Daisy clambers off of the bench and whispers to Jamie the news. Of course, this leads to everyone finding out, but that’s okay. We’re okay and I think we always will be. Always.

“You’re so cute together!” Jamie announces and I bury my face in the crook of Mia’s neck and smile to myself as I breathe her in.

This is it. We’re cute. We’re in love and I can finally express that properly. I love it and I love her. I know she loves me and I know she always will. Everything is beautiful.


	10. Chapter 10

Nothing in my life has ever gone smoothly, I believe that nothing is meant to. I’ve always stood by the fact that things will be okay in the end (if you try hard enough that is.) I believe in true love. The kind of love that lasts forever and never leaves. I dream of that love where you meet someone and they’re your first love, your only love. It’s not just in fairytales because I know enough couples to prove that it can happen. I used to believe that it’d happen to me. One day, but as the memories replay in my mind as I stand there, faced by one of the worst things I could dream of...I feel no sense of hope. I feel no sense of happiness, of love.

I feel nothing.

The days after the 16th shot past me in a blur. We reached the 24th, I know that much; that was pride. I filmed a video of Mia laughing, smiling and she refused to actually look at my camera after she noticed. Jamie called us cute and compared us to anime characters. We walked home together alone. We spoke of our favourite ice cream and crisp flavour. We spoke of everything. I remember our fingers interlocking as we spoke- the heat wasn’t a problem. 

We had a few hiccups. I recall sitting on the floor staring down at my phone typing out a message asking whether my love was enough just because she wanted attention from some guy in America that she had been friends with and now he was talking to me. Perhaps I should’ve been more aware. That only caused a small hiccup. 

The bigger hiccup occurred during the summer holidays. I fell for a boy that was reckless and overly flirty. The kind of guy that acts way too confident for his own good. I spent Summer nights with him whilst Mia was away on holiday. He told me about his life, his family and he almost cried. I told my friends how I felt and broke it off with Mia over text the same day. I gave no reason, just told her it wasn’t working out and I proceeded to continue with this boy: Ryan. He would wink at me across the courtyard once we went back to school in September and I’d giggle and it felt like we were just two kids, messing around for no reason. Like some sort of bad teen movie. Mia didn’t think I was being serious as the breakup was over the phone. We didn’t talk much after that.

We kept our distance until I broke up with Ryan. It was wrong and I didn’t love him. I loved Mia. I had always loved Mia. So, we spoke again and like always, we spoke of how our love was powerful enough to keep on going and always would keep on going, as if it was everlasting.

From that moment onwards, I knew I’d be the reason for the eventual downfall in the relationship. My self-pity and overdramatised need for affection is too much for anyone. My indecisiveness over what I want and what I need is too much for me. I can’t handle it, how did I expect anyone else to?

Yet here we were. Her and me. Me and her. Mid September and I’m staring and nodding at her as she tells me the words I’d never thought I’d hear:

“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t think I’m actually bisexual. You see...I love you. I do, I really do but...just not in that way. I still want to be friends though, if that’s okay?”

And props to her for putting it nicely. She had manners and I couldn’t knock her for that, but I could feel tears form as I walked down the alleyway on the way home that night. They weren’t sad tears, more angry tears. My heart’s broken. I believe it is.

I wanted her to hurt me. To scream at me. To make me hate her, but I couldn’t...and that was the worst part.

I listen to every song I can think to take my mind off of it that evening as I wash up. It’s a tragic thing to witness, but it helps. I’ve now realised that love doesn’t last forever, no matter what you’re feeling. Mia and I were nothing more. We would never be anything more. She told me a while back that she believes in good breakups. I disagreed. I can’t be “just friends,” not when it comes to her. 

I don’t cry that night. 

I’ll never waste my tears over her.


End file.
